Origin
Nobody knows where Kivu Bears came from. Scientists stopped asking after Bear #17 ate the research papers. They aren't smart. They just keep surviving.
No one knows why.
CLASSIFIED DOSSIER
Nobody knows where Kivu Bears came from.
The Great Spin
Millions of years ago, every bear had normal ears. Then one bear sneezed while scratching its head. Its ear folded. Nobody fixed it. Evolution looked at it and said: good enough. Every Kivu Bear today descends from that one incredibly unfortunate afternoon.
It made sense to the bear.
Intelligence
Kivu Bears have an average IQ of 4. Collectively. Not individually. Collectively. One bear once stared at a tree for 11 days because it thought the moon was hiding behind it. The tree won.
No one knows why.
Their Greatest Enemy
Gravity. They lose to it constantly. Every Kivu Bear has fallen into the same hole at least three times. Nobody knows why they never remember where the hole is. The hole has no name. The hole has thousands of victims.
It made sense to the bear.
Economy
Kivu Bears don't understand money. If you give one a gold bar and a sandwich… It will eat the sandwich. Then try to eat the gold bar. Then blame the sandwich.
No one knows why.
Communication
Kivu Bears have their own language. Unfortunately… none of them speak it correctly. Every conversation immediately becomes an argument. Nobody knows why. Neither do they.
It made sense to the bear.
Government
There is one rule. "Don't touch Steve." Nobody knows who Steve is. Nobody has ever met Steve. Yet every Kivu Bear agrees this rule is extremely important. Violators disappear. Probably.
No one knows why.
Evolution
Natural selection tried. Multiple times. It eventually gave up. Kivu Bears became the first species officially classified as: "Whatever happens, happens."
It made sense to the bear.
KIVU BEARS ARCHIVE
Documented Bears
Each Kivu Bear exhibits the Great Spin in varying degrees of severity. Classification pending. Probably forever.
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